The "Famous" House of Prime Rib - If it wasn't so Funny it Would Have Been Tragic!

 This restaurant was a story, a fantasy for me - I'd been talking to my friend Karen about this place for 2 years, to me it wasn't even a real restaurant it was a time-warp to the 1950's where Frank Sinatra was crooning in the background on the piano, and the drinks were all gin martini's and bourbon on the rocks - with a little Shakespearean English mixed in - to fill out the color of my imaginings.
That was SO not what this place actually is in application.

Upon walking into the famous House of Prime Rib you're met with a wall of the most "exceptional" wines in their cellar. Note: there was Silver Oak, Stag's Leap, and many others but hardly a Lafite Rothschild or Haut Brion in sight - plus no great wines are ever exposed to light in this manner, all for show! The demographic was far from the Sinatra and classy ladies in their "going out" sequin dresses - it was jeans, T-shirts, and beers all around
— I had found my self in the Disneyland of Prime Rib!!

This begin playing out like a bad dream, the books stacked up in the "Library" were practically fake - to which my friend replied, "Oh there real, fake books would cost more!" The candles were even the fake ones!! The people were tourists, Chinese Businessmen, football fans, and children having birthday parties (I was horrified, my friends were laughing horribly, as they KNEW what we were getting into - a tourist trap the likes of Fisherman's Warf)

After waiting 30 minutes for a table, ours was given away when we arrived 15 minutes late, and the masses were hungry. So we sat in the "Library" and split a bottle of wine - a fave of mine Frog's Leap, where the "sommelier" came over and decanted it - while talking about how the crowd (quite large) had really simmered down - I can't imagine what it looks like when it's busy. We enjoyed some Costco-style Asian snack mix at this point while waiting for the table.

While trying to absorb every atrocious and blog-worthy detail we were then seated at a large, duffed pleather red booth in the back. This is literally the point where I started laughing-til-crying when, as sitting, we almost sank to the floor because their "luxurious" booths were more akin to grandma's old mattress than a plush couch.

The ordering at this establishment was a real treat, you order based on the size slab of meat you want:

The City Cut- a smaller cut for the lighter appetite. (12 oz)

House of Prime Rib Cut- a hearty portion of juicy, tender beef. (18 oz)

The English Cut- some feel that a thinner slice produces the better flavor. (25 oz)

King Henry VIII Cut- extra- generous, thick cut of prime beef, for king size appetites. (35 oz)

After picking your cut of meat your dinner includes:

The Salad Bowl- A colorful mixture of healthy, crisp, seasonal greens prepared at your table, tossed in our unique house dressing.

Mashed Potatoes- A generous steaming helping of the all American favorite, served with thick brown gravy

Or Baked Potato- A superior sized Idaho potato served with butter and sour cream, with a sprinkle of chives

Yorkshire Pudding- Straight from merry olde England! Light, airy batter baked to a golden brown dome, with a fluffy interior to soak up those savory beef juices.

Creamed Spinach A light dish of garden spinach whipped with fresh cream and pieces of bacon.

Desserts From our dessert cart, we offer the most sumptuous sinful desserts to complete your evening. (we were NEVER offered dessert)

Much to the dislike of our waitress both our parties ordered the King Henry and split them (split charge of $7.00) - unless your really hungry or a Flintstone then this cut of meat is ridiculous - even splitting we took half of it home!

The start of the dinner began by bringing out a corn-fritter which is probably normally placed on the side-plate next to your dinner plate, but in our case it was more about catching the hockey puck as it came your way, and it wasn't even warm.

Then they brought out a lazy-susan board with a wheel of bread, where your empowered to cut your own, this only presents a huge problem as the table is too small to not knock everything over, the booth making you feel like you're at the kid's table, and at $50/ head you'd think they cut your bread for you instead of putting your fingers at risk.

After about a 20 minute wait of taking in all the "House of Prime Rib" monogrammed napkins, cutlery, wall art, to-go bags, chargers, and outside sidewalk (viewed upon coming in), we were pretty sure they must have scored some kind of deal they were trying to maximize.

But our salads were arriving, so with "awe & amazement" we watched as the waitress spun the bowl with the finest iceberg lettuce, beets, and thousand island dressing - such drama and flourish! After actually receiving the salads which were huge (about the side of 1 1/2 dinner plates) we realized that the bowls were actually colder than the salad was!

We were then presented with our HUGE cuts of beef. My friend told me they used to bring the large space-shuttle like contraption to your table and cut your meat right in front of you, but ours was just chosen for us. But one hilarious person in our party had a debate with the waitress about what an end-cut is. (The "end cut" is just that...the end of the roast. It'll be cooked more, and it usually is more heavily seasoned than a cut from the interior of the roast.) Because of this debate he and the cutting chef had an in-depth analysis of what was the best cut, much to the hilarity of the table.

The split entitled us to an extra salad, and plate of beef drippings? So where my other half had the plate of prime rib set in front of her I had a huge, monogrammed of course, plate of beef drippings set in front of me. The accompanying loaded baked potato (which I'm pretty sure used baco bits) were good for staples, but the creamed spinach tasted more than a little like baby food to me and a creamed out seared spinach in a pan —But the Yorkshire pudding was a solid homerun!

Yorkshire pudding is similar to a dutch baby, it's kind of like a pancake served with beef gravy, so for everything else I didn't like about this restaurant, I'd go back for another one of these! As we finished the meal, but weren't offered any more prime rib or dessert, we had our residual roast wrapped up.

This place LIVES for presentation, so like the salad, the plating of the baked potatoes, the left-overs also had an expert left-over food wrapper who makes everything perfect, and finishes it in a red,  again monogrammed, bag! It was so cute and prepared for perfection it should have "moo-ed"!

For another version of this experience check out Anthony Bourdain's adventure at HOPR,
but note the differences - he is famous after-all!

House of Prime Rib

www.houseofprimerib.net

1906 Van Ness Avenue San Francisco, CA 94109-3008 (415) 885-4605 Hours: Sun 4–10pm; Mon-Thu 5:30–10pm; Fri 5–10pm; Sat 4:30–10pm